A New Perspective
Alycia - USA
I watched your video, and I believe it is very relevant to the way I had initially approached working with ayahuasca. I didn't truly understand what it meant to work with ayahuasca, and although I THOUGHT and SAID and TOLD myself I was willing to do the work to heal, I was subconsciously still kind of expecting a miraculous experience where everything just clicked and no real heavy lifting was necessary. Since being home, I've had a series of very intense realizations, as well as a deeper understanding of what it means and what it takes to work with the plants. I have certainly grown and matured a lot from my dieta-I've been told multiple times that "you came home different..but in a good way" and that I'm "glowing" or seem "happy and light" even when I'm feeling totally exhausted and like I just wanted to be at home curled up in my bed sleeping lol. But between la dieta, and the other spiritual work I've been doing since being home, I am in such a confident and secure emotional state. Yes, of course I have days and moments where that shakes, but we all do. One of my biggest lessons since being home has been to surrender to trust- In trusting in divine timing, and in trusting that I already have everything that I need. And by trusting, I'm aligning my vibration in such a way that allows the universe to gift me the things I'm meant to have to fulfill my highest good and purpose in this life. Part of this is trusting the magnetic pull that I'm feeling to come back to South America. I've learned-big thanks to you on this one-that I have to FEEL fear and any of the yucky, uncomfortable emotions in order to truly heal. I can't just set the intention to release them and then expect them to be released quietly and without any noise. It doesn't work that way. I understand that now. I have made progress in breathing through scary experiences during meditation or before I fall asleep- I sometimes get visions of some pretty terrifying creatures..last night I heard screaming. (I got up an cleansed with Palo Santo and asked that I be protected from anything that is not for my highest good just to be sure nothing harmful would come through). I've had my insides ripped out during a deep meditation. My first instinct was to deny the vision and try to redirect it, but I stopped myself and let it flow..and it turned out not to be so scary...they (spirit) told me they were "just replacing the plumbing". I wasn't dead, just getting rid of the old junky parts inside of me to make room for the new stuff that's coming. THAT was incredibly powerful. I had a dream where I got struck by lightning- I couldn't see anything, and all I could feel was the floor beneath me and this crazy energy SURGING through my body. I panicked at first, but then remembered to just breathe through it in order to keep calm. I knew I wouldn't die from it if I just kept calm and breathing, so that's what I did. I actually woke up briefly in real life and could still feel the energy of the "dream" surging through my body and I was breathing in real life the way I had been breathing in the dream. I still haven't quite figured that one out...
I've also learned a lot in reflecting on my dieta. First of all, I knew immediately that I did this whole "coming home" thing all wrong. I didn't have time to truly rest, and I know now how INCREDIBLY important it is to be sure that I can rest for as long as necessary after coming home. My initial plan for my dieta in June was to have 4 days off between cutting dieta and flying home, but I obviously decided to stay and continue the dieta for 4 more days instead. I don't think that was a mistake, because everything has its purpose, but it was certainly a lesson.
I also didn't truly appreciate the sacredness of drinking the master plants. I tried to, and I wanted to, but I honestly didn't. The whole experience was just so new; leaving the U.S. for the first time by myself, entering a country where I don't speak the language, and then being (mostly) in solitude for 2 weeks after coming from a place where being by yourself for just ONE day is practically unheard of...Adjusting to all of those new experiences was a lot, never mind adding tobacco, ajo sacha, ayahuasca, bobinzana, and the other plants that were introduced into my life. It was too much for me to process in such a short amount of time. I spent a lot of my time in solitude trying to figure out what to do with myself..and I realized after the first couple of days that THAT in itself was a lesson for me..to learn to sit with myself and be still, and be okay with that. Recognizing the lesson and learning the lesson are two very different things though..I didn't LEARN the lesson. Now that I have completed a dieta, I know the process and what to expect both from travel and the dieta itself, so my attention won't be so distracted by trying to adjust.
I'm having a bit of difficulty articulating what I want to express to you, but essentially I'm trying to explain that I will be entering my next dieta, whenever the right time happens to be, with an entirely different mindset than what I left Peru with in June. I am not even primarily interested in working with ayahuasca- that is NOT to say that I don't appreciate and respect her and what she has to offer, but I was actually going to ask you if it would be possible to just do something like 1 ayahuasca ceremony per week on a longer dieta so that I could spend intimate time with whichever master plant Hegner felt was right for me. the last 4 days of my dieta with Bobinzana was incredibly powerful, and I believe it was because I didn't have the distraction of trying to process an aya experience while working with Bobinzana. I loved that. I didn't do an ayahuasca ceremony until the last day of drinking Bobinzana.
I want to learn..and I mean truly, DEEPLY learn from the plants. I honestly would love to do another dieta with ajo sacha in order to deepen my relationship with its consciousness, as I didn't treat my time with it during my dieta the way it should have been treated: with attention, openness, and appreciation (but of course, Hegner is ultimately the one to guide me to whichever plant is best for me). I feel I definitely took my time with the plants for granted without meaning to during my dieta. I'm explaining all of this because I guess I want you to understand that you're right, I WAS expecting some sort of miraculous life-altering revelation from ayahuasca and for it to fix a bunch of things in my life. But that is no longer even close to where my mind is or why I'm feeling a pull to do another, longer dieta. The pull is coming from the realization that I didn't do things the right way the first time, and I know there is potential for even deeper growth by undergoing a second dieta with this new sense of understanding.